Saturday, 11 July 2015

/ / 1 3 : 3 2 / /

When you think you're over it but find yourself crying over an old letter in the corner of your room. When you think you're over it but find yourself staring at her house every time you drive past. When you think you're over it but find yourself listening to the rip-playlist you made after it happened. When you think you're over it but find yourself often unable to say her name out loud. When you think you're over it but just find yourself doing things that clearly prove you aren't.

Because the truth is you don't get over something like this. At least not in two years. You think you have because most of the time you feel perfectly normal but then there are moments that make you realize you'll never be over it. It's mentally impossible. It's even physically impossible, you get into a situation where you remember her and your mind feels okay with it but the next thing you know is that there are tears streaming down your face.

The reason you can't get over it is probably the fact that you don't know. You don't know anything. There are so many questions. You look back to her last months and realize you didn't know anything. You were so perfectly unaware of her pain. You still don't know what it was that pushed her over the edge, that confirmed her life wasn't worth living. And you never will. You'll live the rest of your life with all these questions eating your mind alive, causing sleepless nights and joyless days and guilt and rage and frustration and everything in between.

Then you start thinking, really thinking. You considered yourself one of her best friends yet you don't even know what was her favorite band. You only know her ringtone was Birdy's version of Skinny Love. "Come on, skinny love, just last the year." If only you had known that was exactly what she would've needed to hear. If only you had pleaded her to last the year, maybe everything would be different. But how does that help now? It doesn't. She's gone and not coming back.

Her presence is everywhere you go. It's in your bedroom, where you used to spend hours talking to strangers on Omegle with her. It's in your kitchen, where you once made pizza with her. It's in your previous school, where you always sat with her at the round table in the lobby after school. You especially know her presence is everywhere when you're shopping with a friend of yours who never talks about her feelings and all of a sudden she says "those kind of cardigans always remind me of her".

Miley Cyrus sings: "When my world is falling apart, when there's no light to break up the dark, that's when I look at you". But what if she's gone and you can't look at her smile and twinkling eyes anymore? What if she's now the darkness that you struggle to get through? What are you supposed to look at if your sources of light and darkness are the same?

It's time to remind yourself that there are so many other beautiful things in life to look at, to help you lighten up your darkest nights. It's time to understand that even though you're far from over it, you wouldn't be even this far down the road to recovery without your family and friends. Because they're your rock. They don't even need to say anything, it's enough that they make you laugh and smile and keep you in your senses. They need to just be there.

No one can get through this life alone. You want to look after your friends, after all the time they've put into looking after you. You want to make sure none of your friends are now feeling how she felt. But there's the bitter part; you can't save anyone before you've saved yourself. And that's what's nearly killing you. There's literally no way you can prevent this from happening again. You're so full of fear you wish you could just gather all your friends around you and guard them at all times. Because what if it happens again and you'll be right where you started?